The Daily Record newspaper recently obtained exclusive (parody) transcripts from a private press conference held on Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C. The conference was held in front of the display case, which holds the Declaration of Independence. Conservative Representative Toddy ‘Christian’ Coalburner was forced to share the podium with Democratic Representative Sara ‘Immigrant’ Heartbleeder. Standing before them was but one reporter, Tony ‘lil guy’ Everyman (who wore one of those baggy tan vests with tons of full pockets to carry whatever it is reporters carry on themselves). 

Tony: “This is a question for you, Rep. Coalburner." 

Rep. Toddy: "Yuh, go ahead. I’ll answer your loaded liberal questions.”

Tony: “Well, I’m a centrist, but anyway, the American people are wondering that with the tariffs that fell on the taxpayer to pay, which were ruled illegal: how are they getting refunds?” 

Rep. Toddy: “American businesses are going to get the refunds, of course. The consumer should see a price change.” 

Tony: “Uhh, are you sure-" 

Rep. Toddy: "Liberals, always twisting questions.”

At this point, reporter Tony ‘lil guy’ turned to the Democratic Representative, 

Tony: “Ma’am, do Democrats regret putting so much time and effort into social issues, like trans kids in bathrooms and sports, and trying to take away gun rights now that the shoe is on the other foot?”

Rep. Sara: “Time wisely spent.”

Tony: “But in the (real) study, ‘Changes in firearm intentions and behaviors after the 2024 U.S. presidential election’, researchers found that liberals reported a 111% increase in the desire to make guns more readily available. Seems like that, plus the fact that if democrats lose the ability to be relevant in law-making now when they could have spent that time reinforcing the Constitution with new amendm–”

Rep. Sara interjected: “We should be talking about the Republican cover-up of the Epstein files.”

Tony: “Uhh, yeah, well that's true too–” 

‘Christian’ Toddy pushed his way back onto the podium, 

Rep. Toddy: “Always with Trump-Derangement-Syndrome from all of you on the left. Real Americans are dying right now in the mid-east for the both of you to whine at Republicans right now.” 

Tony: “So let’s talk about that. There are reports that our open-air, unreinforced bases are getting hit really hard right now. What steps did the President take to protect our servicemen?” 

Representative Toddy made the sign of the cross.

Rep. Toddy: “Lies. Liberal slander. Iran started this war. They were going to nuke Israel.” 

Tony: “They have nukes? Didn’t Trump bomb their stockpile last year? Was that not a success?”

Rep Toddy: “A total success. Thank Jesus.” 

Tony: “Back to you, Representative Sara,”

Rep. Sara: “Hmm?” 

Tony: “What do you have to say about the Democrats who voted with Republicans in recent bills, like Trump’s ‘One Big Beautiful Bill? Is it due to special-interest donors?" 

Rep Sara: "Everyone in Washington accepts money from the bad guys. That's just part of doing business.” 

Representative Toddy laughed, 

Rep. Toddy: “Finally, something we agree on." 

Tony: "So, uh, which one of you is for the little guy–”

Rep. Toddy and Rep. Sara: “I am!" 

Tony, ‘lil guy’ Everyman: "–if both of you accept money from foreign governments and corporations?”

Tony, a Christian, was soon found to be an illegal immigrant who changed his name, running from persecution from Iran, who had paid taxes, and was raising his daughter the American way. He married an American woman, but was deported back to Iran to face justice, to a sigh of relief from Washington. 

Parodies aside, I.C.E. did deport Christian Iranian’s who had found asylum in America. 

Nearly the entirety of Congress accepts money from special interest groups to keep environmental regulations low, to send money as aid to this country or that, (such as Republicans sending money to Israel, but, for some reason, hating the idea that they send money to countries other than that one). All the congressional generations before this one dropped the ball on making it harder to repeal environmental protections, or harder for Congress to be influenced by foreign actors, and instead focused on brief populist issues, regardless of my own personal view on them. 

For those who pontificate about social issues – those on the left who championed the cudgel of ‘hate speech’, which the Republicans are now using themselves- they seem to have overlooked that freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, are paramount. 

Has anyone in Congress stood up and gone beyond decrying gerrymandering? It, like hate speech, special interest groups, and even tragedies like sandy-hook or a speaker being assassinated in public, are all used like cudgels by all of Congress. 

When it comes time to vote, please do so. Please find and research at least one good man or woman. Be a kingmaker who lends support to someone who can spearhead a push to end the open, ethical corruption in Washington. 

Austin Petak is an aspiring novelist and freelance journalist who loves seeking stories and the quiet passions of the soul. If you are interested in reaching out to him to cover a story, you may find him at austinpetak@gmail.com.

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